my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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