It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
