And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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