Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
bring money and cleavage
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
