my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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