Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
