is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
