this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize