i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
