I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
