Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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