tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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