I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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