hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
