The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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