I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
