a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
