There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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