its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just gargled with NyQuil
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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