I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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