apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
