I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Randomize
