Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
