On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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