Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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