I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
