youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
