it hurts more in the daytime
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
