In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
