a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
