I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
