You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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