don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
