If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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