i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
