The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
