david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
