I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
