kristin has been a bad kristin
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
two words: eviction party
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize