as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
They took my balls.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
