I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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