i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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