I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
