Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
