Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
