If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize