I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
