i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
