i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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