we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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