I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
