New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
