the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
