He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
