shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
