I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
