It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
