dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
