Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
