don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
