Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize